Shark attack Australia. Round 28.

I recovered a photo recently that holds huge sentimental value to me. I want to share the story that explains what the photo in question represents. So begins shark attack Australia.

It all starts here.............

It was the summer of 2012 and I'm on an incredible one month holiday at this place, a tiny island six hours off the coast of Queensland. Lady Musgrave Island takes 10 minutes to walk around, there are no other people, just birds, thousands of millions of birds and their excrement and giant centipedes and the occasional tropical cyclone. One month of camping, spear fishing and scuba diving, like a real wild man.

We didn't have enough food for a month because the intention was to eat a plethora of fresh fish.

So, I bought one of these.....

.....so I could feel like this...............

After a few sessions of this....

I was catching these guys regularly. 

They were curious, unsuspecting and sat out in the open more than they needed to. Unfortunately, I have a poor record with dangerous animals so tend to be apprehensive around things that can bite me. What I soon realised was that every time I fired one of these off.....

One of these would turn up.

And while they were inquisitive and probably wanted to be friends, it was too late because....

...mr shark attack Australia mind raped my perception of all sharks years ago. Spearing around the ever present sharks was an ordeal at the best of times, but I persevered, luckily I could hide behind my spearing mentor or swim back to the boat when I caught a fish, which was every time because they would try and take it. I soon learnt how to read the shark's behaviour and how to react to it's signals. Shark signals 101: Swimming on the ocean floor was neutral, swimming under you was wanting what you were catching, swimming at your level was checking you out, circling around you was definitely sizing you up, swimming at you and darting away at the last second is testing you for meal worthiness, nudging you is the last consequence lacking test, the next test is the bite test, I never got to this last test but I certainly learnt about all the others very quickly. 

After two weeks, I felt like this....

But still looked like this...

But spear we must, and provide for our local residents we did...

Unfortunately, a little too much of this...

...caused me to think I could go spearing alone, no worries mate. So, the fateful day looked like this....

I decided to go spearing in the lagoon to catch one of these difficult to find delicacies.....

I was on edge because, it was known that a 14ft tiger shark inhabited the lagoon and it was nearing dusk. 

I reached the edge of the deeper reef, about 100m from the beach, and began following this line looking for my fish. But, there was nothing at all, just an eerie feeling like the fish knew something I didn't. I have a habit that I know is paranoid, checking behind me every few minutes to see if I'm being followed. Today, I was completely not paranoid, only entirely correct because.....

...this guy....

....and this guy....

    

...were following me at a healthy distance, the water visibility was poorer than usual and they kept dropping in and out of my sight range. They never came close, which was weird because they were both bigger than me, they just hung back but stayed on my tail. Eventually, I thought I better go in, because there were no fish and these sharks were behaving strangely. Just as I hit the edge of the shallow reef, I was presented with a chance, I nice sized coral trout popped out of a cave and I swam down and lined up the only shot of the day. I was apprehensive, I knew what the implications might be if I've a bloody fish in the water around two large hungry sharks so far from shore. The Bear Grills in me said, fuck it all and I slayed that fishy trout. The process of spearing a fish is interesting, your spear gun fires a spear from a tensioned rubber sling, the spear is attached to a 4m line attached to your gun. When you spear a fish it will often still be alive, so you must pull the line in and kill the fish as quickly and humanely as possible, this involves taking your leg knife and putting it through it's brain. I pulled in the fish, did the above method, but for some fucked up reason it took me 20 seconds to kill the poor thing. I don't like animal cruelty, I'm okay with hunting for your own food because I believe it makes you face the pain and death that goes into your meal, a very absent concept in our society. In that 20 seconds, three bad things happened; there was now about half a litre of blood in the water, I had drifted over the one metre deep reef and now my spear line was incredibly tangled in the coral, and both my shark friends turned up with a body language signalling feeding time. Suddenly, my thoughts of ever being this guy....

....alarmingly became this guy....

I couldn't get the bleeding fish off my spear because my line was too tangled in the coral. So, with one hand I slowly removed the line from it's coral prison, whilst watching two very frenzied sharks make swift passes at me and the bloody fish. When the line finally released, I swam to the surface, removed the fish and held it out of the water, with the other hand I hit the sharks with the back of my spear gun every time they made a pass. This is how it felt being in my very own shark attack Australia reality....

Being 100m off shore, holding a heavy bloody fish out of the water while trying to fend off two frenzied sharks bigger than you, in 1 metre of water, alone and possessing average to low bravery, is too many "this sucks" for my weak will. But preferring life from death, I did what any man would do, I just carried on, and for 100m until I clambered ashore, those sharks did not give up, every minute was tense and stressful, but I didn't give up my fish. I remember getting out of the water and seeing them swim around the waters edge angrily for no less than a minute before fading away into the deeper lagoon. 

But I had won my trophy, I would provide food for the camp tonight, I had caught the elusive coral trout and I had fought off two sharks. I was both proud and emotionally traumatised from the cocktail of biting off way more than I could chew, choking on the mouthful for twenty minutes and then miraculously surviving in the least glorious way possible. There was possibly a lot of my urine in the lagoon that day. 

This special photo captures the combination of pride and emotional exhaustion so robustly...

But first, for comparison, we have exhibit A) happy and proud...

Removing happy and adding shark related trauma, we have expression B)....

Shark Attack Australia trophy

Shark attack Australia. That's it folks. 

Funny placename paradise. Round 27.

An unfortunate placename.

Driving around northern NSW we came across many funny town names. I thought I'd dig up a few more, the aboriginal language seems to cross a few amusing English words effortlessly but the English name ones are the worst. I'm not trying to be immature, I am immature, I'm trying to highlight the unfortunate implications the name choosers have subjected their people to.

Boyland - State: QLD - Google Map

Poor travelling paedophiles would be disappointed to find mostly just farmland and a sparse population of children protected by their gun clad farmer dads.

Chinaman's Knob - State: VIC - Google Map
Considering that Chinaman's Knob is a small hill in Victoria, the name choosers were definitely racist. 

Cock Wash - State: SA - Google Map

I get that parents (Frank Zappa) who have consumed too much fame and drugs may name their children life struggling names like Moon Unit and Dweezle. Making it through schooling life with an awkward name would be traumatic at best, but that's why we don't elect these parents to make important decisions that affect entire populations. What I don't get, is how an elected government official can morally decide to call his town Cock Wash. As a poorly educated person, the negative implications are obvious, an entire legacy of hundreds of people over a century of habitation are now marred by this oversight. Even if penal hygiene was the epitome of intelligent masculinity, why destroy the reputation of a whole town of people over it? There is the possibility that tourism was considered, I wonder how much of the town's income is derived from tourists motivated by their desire to state that they visited Cock wash. 

Cockburn - State: WA - Google Map
Just in case you were wondering, Cockburn is a city with a population of 90,00 people, one of the more prominent suburbs is called Cockburn central. I wonder how they navigated naming their medical centre without falling into the niche of STI treatment. Maybe, Cockburn medical centre - specialising in more than penal ailments. Maybe throwing "family" in their would dissolve the issue; Cockburn family medical practice - group discounts available. I don't have the solution, it's just unfortunate. 

Delicate Nobby - State: NSW - Google Map

Diapur - State: VIC - Google Map

Goonoo Goonoo - State: NSW - Google Map
Eddie Murphy would fuck this place up.

Humpybong - State: QLD - Google Map

Mount Buggery - State: VIC - Google Map

Pimpinbudgie - State: QLD - Google Map
An Aviaphile's dream. Pimpinbudgie pet shop, would offer an array of sexually misguided beastialitc fiends a refuge for their urges. 

Poowong - State: VIC - Google Map
Poowong bakery, "Chocolate croissant please."

Tittybong - State: VIC - Google Map
There was once a street called Tittybong cockum Rd, when we were young lads we travelled 10hrs from Sydney to steal it only to find it had already been stolen, Oldschool Rd was taken as a consolation prize.
A horny stoner's mecca.

Watanobbi - State: NSW - Google Map
Law firms here would always be accurately labelled. 

Wee Waa - State: NSW - Google Map

Wonglepong - State: QLD - Google Map

Woodie Woodie - State: WA - Google Map

I've just discovered that Cockburn medical centre decided to subtly address the elephant in the room with the tag line "Individual, all round care." Brilliant.

Just so you don't think I'm stupid, I used placename over place name because apparently there are more people in the world that google search placename, wow.

Our tree house adventure. Round 26.

I just had a wickedly fun tree house adventure, some friends and I travelled 10 hours north of Sydney to a property 20 minutes outside of Byron Bay. The epicentre of this property is a large tree house on top of a mountain surrounded by km's of dense steep rain forest. The only way to access the property is with a specialised 4wd driven by a skilled driver up a rugged unforgiving, narrow, steep as fuck "road". In advance I'd like to thank James, Robin and Deon for their generosity of time, property and spirit.  Let me break down why this holiday was so good.

1. The main house. This tree top balcony is where the ten of us relaxed, read, ate, played chess and backgammon, talked nonsense, partied and hung out. Having this view as the backdrop to your life refreshes the soul and makes everything all good. The only initial concern was the egg sized hornets that lived on the balcony, they accurately embodied evil organic helicopters, we gave them ample space on arrival. Directly below the balcony was an outdoor shower that provided the same view here while you're drenched by a dinner plate sized shower head. 

This is the living room behind the balcony. Robin, who owns the tree, used to build speakers so the surround sound system was incredible, coupled with high speed fibre optic internet access and the melting pot of everyone's deep music knowledge, the amount of amazing music cranking until 6am every morning was most satisfying. Also, please note the gymnastic rings hanging from the ceiling, these were a lot of fun to swing around on to music or do a nice morning stretch. In the foreground is the kitchen and I must pay homage to the cooking of Sir James. To have someone literally dance cook in the kitchen for over an hour and create dishes that would put hatted restaurants to shame, in the middle of the wilderness, is a luxury I didn't expect from this life.

2. The house next door. Another house 40m away was built and owned by Deon. Deon was a fashion photographer who decided to live a better life out here for 6 years, speaking with him and observing his lifestyle here, it's very obvious he made a good choice. This is where my girlfriend and I slept when we were done with the partying at the main house. The interior looked like a James Bond ski lodge and we slept in a mezzanine below the roof. 

In the morning, one of the hens would fly up the ladder to our bed and lay an egg next to my pillow. 

On one of our last nights, I was awoken very early to an awkward rooster crowing, in my delirious state, I cursed that stupid chicken and his pointless noise making. When I arose, I was debriefed by Deon regarding the current state of affairs in the local chicken community. Apparently, I was lacking in knowledge regarding Chongo, the Chinese chicken who I had taken a great liking to for his great taste in fashion and his baggy pants walk. Chongo didn't look like the other chickens nor did he ever hang out with the other hens. I thought he was a renegade maverick but I was now being informed that Chongo was the original rooster that unfortunately was rejected by the hens for his lack of alpha appeal and oriental looks. Another rooster had been introduced and became the alpha male, he beat on poor Chongo daily who had no hope with his short stature and dwindling testosterone. The new rooster was well liked by the hens but soon became crazy with power and began attacking women and children. The rooster was taken to a nearby cabin for some quiet time, on his return he sought out Chongo to re-establish dominance. But little did he know, Chongo had been training, and despite being physically weaker, his spirit was now strong, Chongo won. So, on that fateful morning, Chongo spent a good 4 hours letting the world know about his great victory.  I'm proud of you Chongo.

Observe the baggy pants.

3. The Natural Arch. One hour drive away, a friend of Robin's, Greg, took us to the Natural Arch, the most awe inspiring piece of Australian wonder I've had the honour of jumping off. The river above feeds a waterfall that falls through this hole into this glow worm cave below. The best part, we stood on the edge of the hole's lip and plunged into the water ten metres below, epic.

4. The wild life was oversized and hungry. When we arrived, we mutually agreed that Robin's black cat had the best life of all cats. King of the mountain, this cat could hunt freely, no other cats to fight with and a great balcony to survey his kingdom from. 

One night, the cat was very nervous and jumpy, for hours, he was looking under chairs, couches and tables. We thought he may have consumed some local magic mushrooms by accident, looking for some imaginary predator. But, Robin soon explained that there was an 8ft python that had been stalking him over the last month, fair enough. So, come 6am, my girlfriend and I, void of sleep, decided to watch the sunrise and survey a nearby look out. We wandered by the chicken coop to find the now very real python staunching the chickens, luckily he couldn't get in so we continued on our way....

.....to this.....

On our return, my house mate had awoken, and decided to catch the python to protect the future cat and chicken kind. Here Robin shows one of the hens what the python looks like, in case she didn't already know. Before releasing the python a few kilometres away, Ben decided to creep into our friends room to wake him up with the snake in hand.

By this time, the day had warmed up, so we went for a swim in Robin's waterfall.

5. A good crew makes everything better. Thanks to everyone for bringing good times and cheer to an amazing new years holiday retreat. Robin, Deon and James, you're kings amongst men.

On we go.